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No. 20: DUET (Duke & Duchess)
"To help unhappy commoners"
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| Duke. |
| To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment, Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment; Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative: The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative. |
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| Duchess. |
| I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety — |
| Duke. |
| Doubtful propriety. |
| Duchess. |
| When Virtue would quash her, I take and whitewash her, And launch her in first-rate society — |
| Duke. |
| First-rate society! |
| Duchess. |
| I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers — Their fit and their finishing touches — |
| Duke. |
| Their finishing touches. |
| Duchess. |
| A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the Duchess — |
| Duke. |
| They make for the Duchess! |
| Duke. |
| Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel — |
| Duchess. |
| Their great double-barrel — |
| Duke. |
| I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel — |
| Duchess. |
| Such wearing apparel! |
| Duke. |
| I sit, by selection, Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble — |
| Duchess. |
| All Companies bubble! |
| Duke. |
| As soon as they're floated I'm freely bank-noted-- I'm pretty well paid for my trouble — |
| Duchess. |
| He's paid for his trouble! |
| Duchess. |
| At middle-class party I play at écarté — And I'm by no means a beginner — |
| Duke. (significantly) |
| She's not a beginner. |
| Duchess. |
| To one of my station The remuneration — Five guineas a night and my dinner — |
| Duke. |
| And wine with her dinner. |
| Duchess. |
| I write letters blatant On medicines patent — And use any other you mustn't — |
| Duke. |
| Believe me, you mustn't — |
| Duchess. |
| And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody's soap — which it doesn't — |
| Duke. (significantly) |
| It certainly doesn't! |
| Duke. |
| We're ready as witness To any one's fitness To fill any place or preferment — |
| Duchess. |
| A place or preferment. |
| We're often in waiting At junket or fêting, And sometimes attend an interment — |
| Duke. |
| We enjoy an interment. |
| Both. |
| In short, if you'd kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches — Yes; into your clutches. Or hoodwink a debtor, You cannot do better |
| Duchess. |
| Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess, |
| Duke. |
| A Duke |
| Both. |
| Or a Duchess! |
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Page Created 17 October, 2005