I knew a boor — a clownish card
(His only friends were pigs and cows and
The poultry of a small farmyard),
Who came into two hundred thousand.

Good fortune worked no change in Brown,
Though she's a mighty social chymist;
He was a clown — and by a clown
I do not mean a pantomimist.

It left him quiet, calm, and cool,
Though hardly knowing what a crown was —
You can't imagine what a fool
Poor rich uneducated Brown was!

I formed a company or two —
(Of course I don't know what the rest meant,
I formed them solely with a view
To help him to a sound investment).

Their objects were — their only cares —
To justify their Boards in showing
A handsome dividend on shares
And keep their good promoter going.

But no — the lout sticks to his brass,
Though shares at par I freely proffer:
Yet — will it be believed ? — the ass
Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer!

I showed him that his coat, all dust,
Top boots and cords provoked compassion,
And proved that men of station must
Conform to the decrees of fashion.

I showed him where to buy his hat
To coat him, trouser him, and boot him;
But no — he wouldn't hear of that —
"He didn't think the style would suit him!"

I offered him a county seat,
And made no end of an oration;
I made it certainty complete,
And introduced the deputation.

"I haven't never been to school —
I ain't had not no eddication —
And I should surely be a fool
To publish that to all the nation!"

I offered him a trotting horse —
No hack had ever trotted faster —
I also offered him, of course,
A rare and curious "old master."

I offered to procure him weeds--
Wines fit for one in his position--
But, though an ass in all his deeds,
He'd learnt the meaning of "commission."